Finding Yourself

The last couple years have been the most eye opening experiences of my life. Two years ago I was dating someone who I thought I was crazy in love with and that he was crazy in love with me, and then out of no where he decided to cheat on me. 3 years of our relationship down the drain. Not only did he cheat on me, but he cheated on me while I was in the same room as he was. I remember feeling so stupid, because everyone knew. All his friends and even some of my friends knew, but yet no one told me. I didn’t find out for over a month. I even sat in a circle with these shitty people while they all looked me in the eyes and never told me. I never felt so low as I did then, and the saddest part is I forgive him. In order to move on you need to let go of your anger. Forgiving someone allows for you to move on, even when it seems impossible. It did back then. I felt like I would never move on, but here I am completely over him. But the scars he left me with still hurt. I rarely think of him now, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still haunting me. It’s hard for me to let people in. To let them get that close to me. To see the real me. I don’t want to get hurt again, and I don’t want to feel the way I did 2 years ago. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. So yes I am over him, but the marks he left me with will be with be forever. I will constantly try to push people away. I will forever feel the need that I can’t trust people.

Even after all of this I don’t regret dating him. It was an eye opening experience and it has showed me what I do want in a relationship and what I don’t want.  It has also showed me who I am, who I want to become, and how to become the best me there is. It has helped me work on finding myself. Throughout the last couple years I have been working on finding myself, and that’s what college is all about. What dating is all about. Finding out who you are and who you want to be, and maybe sometimes it takes getting your heartbroken to realize what you want, but it will be all worth it in the end.

Now 2 years later I find myself putting together the pieces, and moving on to bigger and better things. I never thought that I would fall in love again, especially not so fast, but I did. I fell in love when I least expected it, and I tried hard to fight it, and in the process of doing that I hurt some people. I don’t know how it got so complicated between us. I never meant to hurt anyone. I was too busy finding myself. Trying to figure out what I wanted. Trying to push him away, because I didn’t want to get hurt again, but I learned you can never prepare yourself to avoid heartache. Falling in love the second time hurt even more somehow after it didn’t work out between us. No, he didn’t cheat on me. He didn’t do anything wrong, other than making promises he couldn’t keep. He broke my heart, just when I thought I had all the pieces back together. I don’t blame him, even though I want to. He made me realize that it is possible to love again. He made me feel alive again, but the spark between us ended fast. Destroying everything in it’s path, and once again I find myself feeling as if I will never be good enough for someone, but deep down I know I am more than good enough. Sometimes I lay awake and think of all the memories we have. All the good times, and even the bad. It kills me inside that it didn’t work out between us, and I so badly want to hate you. Hating you won’t bring me closure. Hating you won’t do anything, but make me hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore.

So the search continues. Trying to find myself. The last couple years have taught me a lot. I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way, and I have learned from them. Sometimes life doesn’t work out exactly how you want it, but that isn’t a reason to give up. It’s a reason to keep going until you finally find everything you want in life, because it is out there somewhere. Don’t stop looking for it. I know I won’t.

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