It’s always the little things that keep me up at night. The little things that remind me of you. It seems as if they are haunting me and they won’t go away. Sometimes it’s if I can’t go anywhere because we shared a memory there. Good or bad, you’re still there. You’re all around me. It feels like I’m trapped with all these memories of you. Yes, they are memories and I need to let them go, but obviously that’s harder than it seems. It’s not like I enjoy being reminded of you everywhere I walk. I can’t just magically forget the memories of us. I don’t think I would want to anyway. I know that eventually it will hurt less and less when I think of a memory of us, but for now every little thing reminds me of you.
Where we first met, to where we had our first kiss, to everything after that is still around me. It’s not easy having to walk past all these places everyday. You got it lucky. You aren’t here anymore. These memories that I walk by everyday don’t effect you like they effect me. I’m surrounded by your old friends and people you once knew. I’m constantly being reminded of you and I don’t know how to make it stop.
I’m sure by now my friends are sick of hearing me talk about you. No one understands quite how I am feeling. I don’t expect them to and honestly I would be sick of hearing me talk about you too. I keep quiet and act like I am OK. It’s not that I’m not OK because I am, but sometimes I randomly do get really sad. I tend to keep my sad moments to myself. I already know what my friends will say or if they even have anything left to say at this point. Each day I think less and less of you, but somehow you’re still always on my mind when I go to bed or when I wake up. You’re the first thing that pops into my head.
When someone mentions your name it’s like someone punched me in the stomach knocking the wind out of me. Of course I don’t show that it hurts me. I smile politely and act like I don’t care, but on the inside I cry a little.
The wall of pictures on my wall behind my bed reminds me of you. When I first put it up I fixed it 100 times, which I know you didn’t understand. You just smiled and helped me make it perfect. I took the pictures of us down, but somehow it still reminds me of you. I spent my summer in Europe and one of those weeks was with you. You took me to Paris and now my pictures of Paris remind me of you. Most of my pictures from Europe remind me of you. It seems so silly that these things remind me of you, but I can’t help it. As much as I would like to.
One of the worst things about all of this is you’re the first guy I actually planned my life with. We started planning our futures together. Who would move where. What would we do after I graduate in May. And now all these plans we had just vanish.
When I get a good grade, or get a new job, or anything remotely good happens to me you’re the first person I want to tell. Obviously I don’t. I tell my friends instead and hope they fill the void of not being able to tell you everything that goes on in my life. You weren’t just someone I was romantically involved with. You were also my best friend. You were so much more to me than anyone I have ever had a relationship with. I think that’s why it hurts me so much more than it had with my past relationships. It kills me that you will be in my past relationship folder. That eventually I will think of you as just another ex-boyfriend and it just didn’t work out between us.
I know I should take my own advice, but the advice I give myself and that everyone else gives me isn’t always so easy to follow. So for now I will do my best to move on. To not be reminded of you constantly. All the little things out there that remind me of you eventually won’t. They will be just another building or just another bar.
But I sit here and wonder if the little things remind you of me as much as they remind me of you.